Friday, September 19, 2003
somethings you lose and somethings you just give away

i didnt think i would get this depressed over losing him after only 4 simple months. but i felt so close to him like there was a bond... one that i thought would be there for closer to a year. maybe it's just like me and chris' fights... how we'd just have them.. he'd call names and id cry and cut and then a few weeks later... we'd be hugging and laughing again. or maybe not? maybe this was it... i dont know. my whole aspect on life has changed in these 4 months and now i see all of my faults and im even more self-conscious than i was in the beginning... im more afraid of absolutely everything and i feel like everyone is against me... even my own best friends... which is sad.. b/c i trust them more than anything. new lesson to learn from this, dont trust people until you've known them to not be deceitful. learn from how they treat other people.. and they're friends... that is something i have to keep my eyes open. observe people better before even trusting them with your middle name. i just want to cry. but im empty. ive cried too much and its back to the start.. of numb.

Posted at 09:52 pm by numb
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003
slit our wrists

i havent updated any of my online diaries lately. i didnt plan on updating this one. but i thought what the fuck... it cant hurt anymore than it already does, right? well.. yes it very well could. damnit, i shouldnt have said that. i talked to jason today, which was ok, i guess. didnt really talk about anything i wanted to. i guess it feels funni telling him my problems. ive been kinda hoping dan would get online/call and i could talk to him. that would definitely make me feel tons better. i really wish i could see dan right now. i dunno. im stupid. he'll prolly end up doing me like everyone else has. damn that sounds really whiny. ive been breaking down a lot lately. usually at home alone or right before bed or in the shower.. i tend to not let people know.. but today i was talking to my mom on her phone asking her when she was gonna be home and she accused me of wanting to leave and i just started bawling and it got even worse. so bridgett and her mom are on their way right now to come get me. i really hope i can live with them. it would be a lot of work.. but i think i can do it. i need to. its not just a want anymore. i have to do this for my sanity. well i guess i better get going...
they -s-l-i-t- our wrists
and send us to heaven
the first flower after the flood

benjabe


Posted at 07:32 pm by numb
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Monday, September 08, 2003
the chain broke away

i had a lot of fun yesterday hanging out with jason.. having real benji time. let me tell you... that was so good for me.  me and Jason hung out from 5 until like.. 9.. then we went to Jenni's and Jr came over and we all went to the elementary school from like.. 12 until 3.. then we came home and hung out at my house for a while and then around 3:30 or so Jason decided he better get home.. he didnt want his wife freaking out or anything. heh. it was an awesome day for me tho. i got into my first silly string fight..  and Jason had Dairy Queen for the first time in 3 years.. as he puts it. I doubt its been that long, but oh well. We did a lot of talking.. he proved he wasnt shallow... which was really sweezy and all that great stuff... but after going and spending time with someone else..

i think the chain b r o k e away
and i felt it the day that i had my own time
i took advantage of myself and felt fine

now that thats out of the way.. heh. sunday i went to the wishing star meeting and Dan was there... and that made me happy.. we talked for a little bit. Then the meeting finally started around 8... and it was nifty... then JR, Levi, Dan, Jenni, Bridgett and I all went to perkins but didnt stay long enough to get our drinks. doesnt help that me, bridgett, jenni, and jr were stoned and bridgett is a fucki paranoid stoner from hell. so.. we left and went back to carolyn's.. got her calmed down and then JR took all of us home.. and I didnt get home until like.. 11:30.. and now im doing some cleaning that I should have been doing this weekend. I'm cleaning up my mess.. incase my mom comes home early tomorrow.. making sure no illegal stuff or stuff that can get me in trouble with her/the cops is put away very well.. hehe.. well i guess i better get going...

Benjabe


Posted at 01:06 am by numb
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Saturday, September 06, 2003
swallow your pride

i was always pretty sure than in our society.. we had a freedom to speak whatever we wanted... yes, people can be mad about what you have to say.. but they cant tell u to shut the hell up.. b/c you have that right. i dunno.. that was kind of just off the top of my head. today should prove to be very interesting..  i dunno why tho. JR is coming over at midnite... to see mademoiselle flower... so that should be great happi fun. but... today im just... im spending the day on me. every day of my life i feel like im living part of 'buried myself alive' (by the used)... and... i dunno.. today is the day that i will take advantage of myself and feel fine. oh well. i better get going.. cleaning

Posted at 02:20 pm by numb
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Friday, September 05, 2003
bleeding on your shirt

*sigh* my mom is gone for the weekend.. until monday.. and im sitting here... enjoying part of my freedom... talking to dan.. heh.. and watching practical magic. today was a good day up until chris decided to prove to me our friendship falling apart is a lot of his fault... not mine. altho im sure i have some to do with it... oh well. i guess i cant let it get me down too much. im waiting online to talk to jason.. i hope he decides to get back on the computer. oh well.. im running a scene with dan right now so its pretty swanky. im so bored out of my mind.. and i still need to take a shower...

Posted at 12:28 am by numb
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Monday, September 01, 2003
this is me alone

i went to toms last nite with bitterfly and erica.. and it was nice. i really missed tom. we smoked a bowl... and it was unique. i enjoyed it. i didnt get home until around 1... b/c bitterfly 'didnt see' the median and went right over it and we had to change her tire. it was definitely unique. but i was happi just seeing tom. i love that kid. i came home and played on the computer for a little bit. just played around. i layed down and read until about 3.. and i was kind of waiting on a call. never got the call tho.. oh well. not like i was expecting it anyway, i already knew i didnt mean anything to him anymore. ive known this since wednesday. then i kinda slept.. i woke back up at 5 and fed the dogs and the cats and layed back down.. woke up at around 6:30 or so and then finally got back to sleep at about 7... and i kept waking up like that until almost 10... then i got on the computer and no one was really online... so i went over to jenni's for a little bit.. read her downtime's shes doing with JR's character... and then chris got home.. and I went and layed down in Jenni's bed and he came in and talked to me.. lied to me... stuff like that. i just he would just tell me the truth...
I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to
I'll do what I go to
the truth is you could -s-l-i-t- my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt

*sigh* i really like that song. oh well. me and my mom are going to get new sheets and everything for my bed today.. which should be kind of fun. im hoping to get a rug for my room too... and some new stuff just to make it more of a room for me. heh. when i get my computer in my room.. its gonna be in the closet.. i think thats really funni. oh well. then when im talking to everyone online i can be like 'im back in the closet everyone.. so all you know is im straight'. heh. liz might be living with me for a while.. im gonna have to prep her on what the rules of this house are.. which means she's going to be living the soberlife for a while. oh well. she needs to anyway. *sigh* my entries in all my diaries lately have been a lot longer.. like i actually want someone to know whats going on in my life.. like they can do something about it. or care. its kind of akward the moods ive been having lately. chris had the audacity to ask me if i was still depressed. it hasnt even been a week yet and im supposed to be up and not sad anymore? yeah.. im ready to let him go.. b/c hes off now in another world where hes happiest.. but... im still gonna be sad about it. and theres so much going in its kind of retarded. i kinda unleashed it all on my friend jenni's ex-boyfriend chris harms yesterday.. i feel bad about it.. but i dunno... i got some of it out.. i just let my emotions type.. and they did.. and it got me pretty far... its stuff i havent said to anyone either... like about christo and stuff... along with me little green (and i dont mean bud..) problem... and the fact that im so sick of being everyones shoulder and i dont have a shoulder.

i just want someone
to show that they
care


Posted at 12:16 pm by numb
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Sunday, August 31, 2003
these wounds wont seem to heal

alas... i am still awake. go me. i thought letting go of josh would be hard.. and yeah, i realize that theres a part of me that will always miss that crazi kid... but i had a conversation with his (dont ask)... and i told him that hes happy now... and that i can let him go... just... i talked a lot. and i felt a lot better. so i am presuming we're okay with that subject. i had the house to myself tonite.. so of course i stayed up all nite... and all i needed was 1/2 a bottle of soda and 5 cups of coffee.. lol. oh, and of course cigarettes. hehe. oh well. i just got out of the shower, so im wide awake, but my stomach hurts from all that fuckin caffeine.. its like 'help me'  heh. i have to write this down so i dont forget it..  welcome to dan im Chile's  hehe... Dan was at Carolyn's talking about his hangover hes going to have today while hes at work and hes gonna say that instead of Welcome to Chile's I'm Dan.. hehe. Silly kid. oh well. I guess we have a lot of those around here dont we? I talked to Tom quite a bit tonite, which was good. My heart is still in his fist, surrounded by hatred, but full of comfort and love on the inside... that made me happy. and he promised he wouldnt leave me.. which made me happy. i love him really i do. me and Lucinda went to Taco Bell tonite... and then we went back to her house and watched the Marilyn Manson DVD.. very unique.. very wonderful. I was just sitting there staring.. it had a lot of interesting concepts in it that if you actually thought about them, they made sense. But if you just listen.. it sounds like he was on serious PCP... oh well. then she brought me home and I watched Blow and talked to Jason.. who is the most interesting person. Learned a lot about him I didnt know and we had many different topic variations.. from Nightmare Before Christmas to Insomnia.. heh.. it was crazy. but.. yeah. I confused the hell out of him, go me! I think it was b/c my ditzy side wasnt out flirting like a dumb bitch who didnt realize he was married and I was actually being 1/2ass me. Or maybe I was being jesus.. i dont know. me and Lucinda talked about a lot of different interesting things too... like hugging people.. and I realized that I dont really like hugging people... and I dont really like to be hugged.. and its hard for me to comfort people when they're sad... b/c I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing, so I stand there and look like I dont care. Which really sucks b/c I dont want people to think I dont care. *sigh* I dont know. It is 6 a.m... yay! I guess I better get going.. since I'm on such a caffeine rush, I want to clean the bathroom.. hehehe... LaTeR
Benjabe

*StArS*


Posted at 06:01 am by numb
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Thursday, August 28, 2003
what a thing to do

its been a very unique day. not really. its been really painful. i found out yesterday that my friend josh killed himself. i was really hurt.. and i waited for jenni to get home and went and told her and then we went to carolynn's with everyone else that knew him. it was really hard. josh was always a smily kid.. i never woulda thought it would be him. but im prolly going over to bridgett's tonite to stay with her and mandy and then go to the visitation and then the funeral... *sigh*... its not right. i close my eyes and i see him smiling on bridgett's porch... while we talked about nothing... *sigh* oh well.. 

Posted at 03:41 pm by numb
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...some...of...us...are...really...born...to...die...


my philosophy of life is that i can die at any moment...

the tragedy is that i dont

   

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