Monday, May 23, 2005
SCOTTY DOESNT KNOW

*sigh* I feel miserable.... I know my friend's husband is kind of a whore.... but... yah know... I figured that his flirting with me was just to irk me.
And it probably still is. He knows I wouldn't go that far sober.... but... holy FUCK! I can't stop thinking about how hot it made me....
That is sick.... that's just sick. He's my nephew's father for fucks sake... ew ew ew.
Okay.. but he is amazing at kissing and... just...moving... *sigh*
Scotty doesn't know... I finally saw EuroTrip.. it was awesome. Figured I would come and rant about this shit here... later

Posted at 02:53 pm by numb
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Tuesday, February 08, 2005
its hurting much more just to stay alive

Wow, it's been a *long* time since I've been here. A lot has changed. Like the fact that Dan and I have practically nothing to do with each other except the occasional tasteless comment from yours truly. Go me, I'm good...

Jenni had a baby in December, my little, wonderful, handsome nephew, Raven. ^_^ I love him so much! He's gonna be 2 months old soon. He's growin up so quickly, yet so slow at the same time.

I've been painfully, yet obviously, single since Dan and I broke up so so so long ago. It kinda sucks, sometimes. But other times it's nice to know I can go to a party, flirt with a cute guy and make out on the couch with him after talking to him for 4 hours. That actually happened, oh yeah. He was so nice, too. And we still talk. We have our good moments and our bad moments, but I adore him completely. ^_^ I can also go to parties and get shit-faced drunk and screw my best friends boyfriend... and no one gets mad! Heh.. yeah.. that happened to. God I'm good...

School's goin ok. Junior... I'm actually going to graduate next year. That's so scary. But I guess it happens.... Well, I might just come visit this place more often.. *nods*

Posted at 08:46 pm by numb
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Wednesday, May 26, 2004
i can see the stars in your eyes tonite

Once upon a time, I believed in true love....
Once upon a time the only people I loved was my family.
Now I know better.

School's over tomorrow, and there's only a 1/2day. Things have been okay with school. I suppose I did just fine without Jenni. It just sucks not having a best friend there all the time to help you.

Dan and I broke up a little over a month ago. Boy do I miss him. But we've still been having sex. Which isn't good for my emotions. And he still tells me he loves me. But after the other day, when he told me he wanted me to leave him alone, and then he lied about what he had said to me, I decided I'm going to do better. I'm not going to waste myself on him anymore. I got too much good in me to spend of a boy with too much bad on the outside.

 Leslie called me yesterday, and I was so pleased, and so appreciative for people like her. She told me that I deserve so much better than Dan, and it made me feel like an all-around great person. Leslie and I aren't great friends, but that made me feel so good. And so confidant. I'm hoping we can be friends. And I hope the stuff between her and Kelly gets fixed, because I think it would be awesome if all 3 of us hung out. We could destroy the world. (hehe)           

I get to go to Heartland this year, and I am so excited. I've been wanting to go for the past 9 years, and now I can. It makes me so happy! I'm going to spend the nite Thursday (tomorrow) with Kelly and then we're gonna go out to Heartland friday nite. YES! FINALLY!

I got this weird feeling about a week-ago, and I finally figured out what it was. I had a crush on Kelly. Now here's a little background info on Kelly. She's 25 (she looks so much younger), she's married, and she has a 5 year old daughter. Weird thing, is her husband is one of the coolest guys I know, B. And I told him about me having a crush on Kelly and he got so psyched about it. I think he got more giddy than Kelly did. I dunno why. But, yeah. I dunno what's gonna happen between us, if anything. But I hope is any sort of relationship happens out of this, I don't fuck her over like Dan did. Because Dan hurt her bad. (and of course he's doing the same thing to me now)... but yeah. It's still kind of weird, because she IS married. But they're relationship is that way, they're open about anything and for anything.

I am waiting for a Katie to call so we can go workout. Though I doubt she's gonna call. She's probably busy all over herself today. Like she has been for the past 3 weeks. I'm not bitter.. I'm just sick of it.

Posted at 11:41 am by numb
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Sunday, January 18, 2004
you end up dead in the end

*does a little happy dance* Dan and I are together, openly. I'm so happy. So so happy. It's so nice... Let it last!!! pleeeeease? I'm hopefully spending Tuesday.. just he and I. I'm gonna be getting a hot bath and a massage... and then.. who knows. But no sex.. not until I start my birth control pills.. which I will be starting the sunday after i start my rag. Thank goodness for ortho-tricyclen. Well.. I'm gonna go. YAY!

Posted at 08:20 pm by numb
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Friday, January 09, 2004
Get Down, Make Love - NIN

Get down make love
Get down make love
Get down make love
Get down make love -
You take my body -
I give you heat
You say your hungry
I give you meat
I suck your mind
You blow my head
Make love -
Inside your bed - everybody get down make love,
Get down make love -
Get down make love
Get down make love -
Everytime I get hot
You wanna cool down
Everytime I get high
You say you wanna come down
You say its enough
In fact its too much.
Everytime I get a - Get down, get down,
Make love -
I can squeeze - You can shake me
I can feel - when you break me
Come on so heavy - when you take me -
You make love, you make love, you make love, you make love
You can make everybody get down make love,
Get down make love
Everytime I get high
You wanna cool down
Everytime I get hot
You say you wanna come down
You say its enough
In fact its too much
Everytime I wanna, get down, get down get down -
Get down make love
Get down make love
Get down make love
Get down make love


Posted at 03:27 pm by numb
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Saturday, January 03, 2004
We're in this together - NIN

I've become impossible
holding on to when
when everything seemed to matter more
the two of us
all used and beaten up
watching fate as it flow down the path we
have chose
you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you
awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
they pick and they pull
trying to get their fingers in
well they've got to kill what we've found
well they've got to hate what we fear
well they've got to make it go away
well they've got to make it disappear
the farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of
you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you
all that we were is gone we have to hold on
all that we were is gone we have to hold on
when all our hope is gone we have to hold on
all that we were is gone but we can hold on
you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
even after everything
you're the queen and I'm the king
nothing else means anything

 


Posted at 11:26 pm by numb
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make me understand why i have to hate you

I haven't been here in a while... and I finally remembered my password and everything, so I decided to sign on, and update. Things have been really fucked up. I went to Bridgett's monday night, and got everything I wanted. I got Dan... for 3 whole nights. Maybe 4, I don't know. and on New Years, I slept with him. I mean, I "slept" next to him every other night except last nite... altho I think we stayed up talking and such most the time... but.. I slept with him, 1/2ass anyway. It had been so long though, since I'd had sex, that it hurt so bad I was crying. I guess that's what I get, eh? It was my body trying to tell me he wasn't the proper mate. Which he kinda told me too, so I guess that doesn't mean anything. I don't wanna be hurt, and part of me isn't. He needs to find out who he is, and I'm willing to let him. If who I am and who he is aren't meant to be together for any longer than 24 hours (heh) then we won't be. As long as he's happy. And I got what I wanted for 3 days. So, all in all, it ain't a bad thing. Except I feel like a whore.
He told me I was beautiful...

..R.O.T.T.E.N. and so beautiful

*sigh* I feel so stupid, all of a sudden. But, I guess that's what shit like this will do to a girl. Or so it would seem, right? I got what I wanted. So, no bitching from me. Heh. Wish it worked that way. But, now I'm home. Unfortunately. And I'm going back to school on the 6th. Shitty. I'm all ready to go back and start the whole mess all over again... without Jenni this time. Without any friends now. 

Well, I'm gonna get going....



 


Posted at 09:09 pm by numb
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Sunday, October 26, 2003
everything came clean now everythings brown

game last nite went really well for game. in character, i get to live a lot of the girls out of character dreams, and be it IC or OOC, I'm not enjoying it. However, my character is enjoying all the special attention from Terry. My niece was here yesterday, and my brother got out of prison. Oh yay. And my mom started treating him like a war hero instead of a person who just got out of prison.. and belittling me completely. He gets his GED.. and wooo congratulations.. i am still in highschool and I have a b-average.. and oh well.. thats expected of me. fuckin aye. I'm never good enough and no matter what he does... it's good. I hate it. I hate him. Him, my niece, and Tina (My niece's mom) are comin over today too and I rightly don't wanna see them. I'm having a mental breakdown right now.. and one of my friends is with his girlfriend who he cant stand to be away from for 30 minutes at the most if he can do anything about it, and my other 2 best friends are out with a bunch of their friends eating. The rest of them don't even need to deal with my drama. That's not fair to them. My mom's being a bitch and won't let me go anywhere for some bullshit reason. Oh, and for some icing, my grandpa just had another heart attack and he's thinking he's gonna die. So if he goes, the only grandparents I have are the ones on my father's side, or, as I prefer to say, the one's I disowned. So my only family would be my mom and her siblings and my grandma's siblings... and yah know, I don't get along with a goddamned one of them. Not one. So.. let me loose my family. I don't care. Of course I do or I wouldn't be so upset about it. Oh well.. I guess I better get going...

benjabe

Forlorn, Despised, I am
the Cinnamon Spider


Posted at 03:19 pm by numb
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Monday, October 13, 2003
would you love me any less if i hurt you anymore

ok, so the party went A LOT better than planned. Jason had to leave early... but thats b/c his wife is a bitch. Me and Dan ended up on the floor making out and talking, all at different intervals.. for about 4 hours. So.. yeah. He told me stuff.. and he wasnt drunk.. so I believed it at the time. But, now, I'm not so sure. I got back from the Festival of the Fae today and I spent Thursday nite talking to him, and we kissed... but... as soon as Mandy showed up.. it kinda went downhill from there. He like.. ignored me. And I found out today it was because he doesnt like being harassed by Mandy for it. Needless to say I'm hating Mandy for that. I'm seriously hating her for this. She can have any guy she wants, and she has to pick the one I like.. and the one who likes me back... and belittle him for merely talking to me.  so now he won't talk to me and im sure he hates me.. and i didnt do anything wrong but like him. i wanna cry. i want my critter...

its almost like losing myself


Posted at 10:33 pm by numb
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Friday, October 03, 2003
the district sleeps alone tonite

im at B's right now... JR is asleep on the floor, Jenni, Kelly, and Levi are downstairs and B is off elsewhere with his daughter, making her some popcorn so she'll watch a movie and perhaps go to sleep? Who knows. I'm trying to talk Cory into coming.. but I dunno how he'd feel about Bridgett drinking and smoking.. so thats kind of a negative. Oh well. Dan's gonna be here later, and so is Jason. And I'm in my goddamned pajamas... Critter's rubber duckie boxers. Lol. I feel so stupid. But I havent changed into my PJ shirt yet, which is Tom's caffeine shirt. Tom was supposed to call me today, but I guess he forgot.. he was prolly spending time with Joe.. which is fine with me. I was crying a lot though today. IT's kind of a disclosed reason.. too much mess I guess. but its not over Liz, so we can all be thankful for that. I'm seriously done crying over her.. Oh well... Well I better get going..

Benjabe

Posted at 10:22 pm by numb
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...some...of...us...are...really...born...to...die...


my philosophy of life is that i can die at any moment...

the tragedy is that i dont

   

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